Lynette was talking to Jay Courtney , Author of ‘Juicy Crones- Free for the Strangest Adventures’ ( Bradt Travel Guides)
‘I don’t have any great wisdom or insight’ were Lynette’s opening words to me when we met on Zoom, me in Herefordshire UK , she in Ohio, USA . But of course Lynette did have both great wisdom and insight because of her lived experience, that should neither be denied nor diminished . Her experience is relatable to many of us who have lost the one we loved, she has learned so much through the ten years since her husband died of cancer. It is not something she invited into her life and she wishes it had never darkened her door, but she has found a way to both grieve her loss and find richness in her single life after 35 years of marriage.
She was keen to share her story with other Walking Women – as she said to me ‘I’m very happy to encourage women to be the best version of themselves- it doesn’t matter how old they are.’
Lynette’s husband Bob battled cancer for eleven years and during the last three years of his life Lynette was his care-giver, she describes the last seven months of that as, hell on earth for her. When Bob died, her role as his twenty-four seven care-giver ended and she was left with a mountain of grief, and a bucket load of questions – Who am I now? What am I supposed to be doing? What should my day look like ? She looked around for support groups, but they were either thin on the ground, or felt too old for her. It was only the thought of her grandchildren who made it easier to get out of bed in the morning. Lynette helped out her adult children and grandchildren but didn’t want to be ‘that Mum’ – the one who became ‘in the way’, or dependent on them. Even Church felt different , the morning church service had always been followed by a family day, but she was no longer Bob’s wife- no longer part of a couple but ‘single’. There was a huge tilt on the axis of her life and it was hard for Lynette to find her way.
Lynette – “ I had always been the one to book, organise and pack for our vacations together, yet I hadn’t travelled solo since before getting married. The absence of having someone to get excited with – the usual call and response of ‘where shall we go on holiday to this year’ and having no-one answer, or to ask ‘shall we go to see our daughter in New York this weekend’ and only hear silence and consult only my diary, brought home to me that I was making decisions alone and I had to stand or fall by them. It’s the practice of owning our choices – wise or not so wise – ‘Who ate all the cookies?’ and the dawning ‘ Oh! I live here alone!’
In my day-to-day life, the loneliest times are eating dinner on my own and not being able to share my day with him.
Every aspect of my life became different overnight. Different isn’t necessarily bad, but it takes some adjusting to! Some people like to travel solo, but I feel I’m on my own all the time, so I want to be with people on holiday- to enjoy eating meals with others and sharing experiences.
It was difficult to find someone to go on holiday with, but I did go on a walking holiday specifically for widows and there I found three other women, who like me, had an adult child living in London. That was great because we could travel to London together to see family, but whilst the family was at work, the three of us could have ‘play dates’, exploring the delights of London.
But then I heard about WalkingWomen and I said to the other two widows that I’d be the guinea-pig and ‘ go first’ to Crete to test out WalkingWomen as a company! I was blown away by WalkingWomen – the organisation is all done for you and its such good value for money. The local cuisine was awesome and I loved being part of a group of like-minded, adventurous women. The guides were so knowledgeable and generous in sharing their local expertise with us.
When I got back from Crete and told the other two, we straightaway booked to go on the Switzerland Snowshoeing trip together.
The great thing about WalkingWomen is that you can travel to the destination on your own and have a private room,
but know that there will be other women there to share fun and adventures – it’s a youthful sense of having fun again – to go a bit wild! Ginny is truly amazing, like a human dynamo, whatever questions I had were answered so quickly and in such a helpful way. The holidays are organised for you, but perhaps because they are a small company, or perhaps because they care more than most, they seem to be able to give such a personal service.
Often, it seems easier to stay in your comfort bubble, but that doesn’t help you grow or get life-satisfaction. Sometimes travelling is scary- in that it can be outside your comfort zone , but if you’re brave enough to take the step and ask questions or ask for help along the way – it can be magical . What travel does for me is to temporarily take away the labels I’ve acquired – widow , mother ,grandma and I become just me, living my life on my own terms and reconnecting with what I feel and believe and desire for my life. I also know what the worst thing that I thought could ever happen to me , has happened to me , so there ‘ain’t nothing you can do to me now !’ This was not the future I had imagined and I’ve had to grieve the loss of this dream.
My test before trying something new or booking a new holiday is often ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ I’ve learned that if I’ve made a mistake I need to recalibrate, change course and head in another direction. I challenge myself with things like CrossFit, and I’ve learned to consciously think – this is hard- but I’m doing it! Winters can be really hard to get through alone- I think of February as the longest, shortest month – grey, heavy and will it ever, ever, end? So I might be looking to WalkingWomen to give me some respite from that again next winter. All you can do is embrace what you have now. I’m so grateful that physically I am still fit and able to and walk ( and toboggan, Helen!) and can afford to go on holiday.
With WalkingWomen you get the opportunity to talk to women who have been through similar experiences and who are also journeying into their new world . For, instance I celebrated with one recently widowed woman who took her first swim in the sea since her partner had died. It doesn’t sound a lot, but each of these small steps into forming a new life, are, in fact, strides, and all the sweeter for having a supportive witness to that progress. I’ve gained confidence and a can-do attitude with WalkingWomen and its wonderful when other women celebrate and witness your successes.
I’ve realised, more and more, how important friendships with other women are. On WalkingWomen holidays there are so many opportunities to make new friends from all over the world – at first conversation can be a little tentative, but the group naturally moves and flows, a bit like a shoal of fish and you get to quite naturally fall into conversation with different women – some of the conversation is superficial , some of it light-hearted and funny, but often because of shared life experiences it naturally becomes meaningful. I love also that there is a WhatsApp group for every holiday that remains live after the holiday has ended, so you can keep up with friends for as long as the group wants to.
These are some of the things I have learned – you’re stronger than you think you are
you can do things you didn’t think you could, and every day you grow wiser. Going forward doesn’t mean you’re forgetting your loved one – rather you are honouring them by trying to live well. For the rest – there’s always YouTube! eg “Hi ‘YouTube- How do I change the battery in my car key ?’( I didn’t even know there was a battery in my car key!) I now know that I have faced so many challenges in my life that I have a deep well of skills, knowledge and humour to keep me safe and see me though the highs and lows. I also have the wisdom and self-respect to plan plenty of highs .
Thank you WalkingWomen.
Thank you so much to Lynette for sharing her story and Thank you to Jay for writing
